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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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Then, outta nowhere, my buddy Miguel calls. He’s at the market on Rua 25 de Abril, and he’s freaking out. Apparently, he dropped his phone in a fish tank. Like, who does that? I’m dying laughing, but he’s all serious. “Help me, man!” So, I’m like, “Dude, just get a new one!” But he’s convinced he can save it. Good luck with that, Miguel.

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